Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
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Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
Ha.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
I told her love was all about sacrifice, but she still screamed when she saw the dead goat.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex