You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
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Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Husband of the year 😂
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason