I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
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Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”