Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
You Might Also Like
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Namaste
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]