Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
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Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Somebody’s lying.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!