I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Lassie, get help!
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.