Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
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As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Australia is touted as a great model of gun control but no one mentions our unlimited access to boomerangs.
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey