What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
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A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.