Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
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i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
I know
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
WTF
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
the icebreaker
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.