Chicago sounds lovely.
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Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir