How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
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me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[Phone Call]
Me: My hair has never been this long before
Her: How does it look?
Me: Picture Jim Halpert in Season 1 of The Office…
Her: Oh well that’s actually kinda cu…
Me: …with a big bald spot on top.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I don’t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.