When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
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ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.