The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
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If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.