Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
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Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
giddy up Office Depot
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.