Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
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I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Had a guy ask me if I would wear a nurse outfit when I saw him. I said flirtatiously “Oh you need me to check something for you?”.
He said “No I just like to roleplay having access to healthcare.”
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer