Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
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I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Print is alive and well!!!
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone