Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut