[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD