As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
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i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Extremely relatable.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
yeet
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.