villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
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been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Breaking news:
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can’t read.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
the #horror is real!