A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
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[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
How do you like your Corgi?
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Watson was Holmes schooled
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me: