i like to flex on them by shrugging
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FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6