I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
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Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
“I FIXED IT!”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently