Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
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I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry Vegans…
…don’t worry about it. They’re too weak to hurt you.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”