why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
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*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Was it something I said?
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave