“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
You Might Also Like
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I just heard my roommate mixing some beats except I don’t have a roommate and it was my cat throwing up.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza