When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
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[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
parents of small children wondering when the early morning wake-ups end, my daughter in college sent an emergency text at 6am because she needs a fly swatter for her dorm, so the answer is never
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Human are so complicated
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
How your email finds me
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.