MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
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I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
reminder
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.