Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
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I am pretty impressed with the woman that created the algorithm to take the first photo of a black hole. Especially because it took me four tries to correctly spell the word “algorithm.”
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
how to exercise your calf muscles
calling in to work dehydrated
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
What flavor cupcake are these
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
This story is comedy gold 😂
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.