Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
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When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
They’re on their honeymoon
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.