your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
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I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
The 4 year old thinks a cat’s tail is it’s underwear because it covers the butthole. I can’t really argue with that logic.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN