Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
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I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge