i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
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Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
blocked.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc