Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
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Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know