My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
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My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”