Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
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Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.