People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
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“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.