Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
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Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …