Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
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Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Got him!
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird