If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.