Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
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Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.