*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
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god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.