I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.
You Might Also Like
Ha
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
Happy Friday
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
(Electricians.)
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.