There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
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Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.