My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
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Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his BD cake in the break room fridge, but he is completely wrong, it wasn’t my finger.
Tomb = Toom
Womb = Woom
Bomb = Boom
Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.