Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
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My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Just this preview of the story is enough
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.