My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
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“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Canadian owl: Eh?
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?