Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Real House Wines.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right