My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
Kermit goes Blue.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
Hey i am sexy to you now
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?
My couch:
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame