The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
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Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair